I did a kind of scary thing last night, and that was to take a really good look at the mess that is not my family’s budget.
That is to say, I faced the fact that I don’t have a functional budget, and I reached out for help.
I’m scared, but also already a little bit less scared. I’m embarrassed, but also a little bit less embarrassed.
I know people have these problems, and I know they do not talk about them. It’s hard to know when it’s too personal, and when it’s OK to say, “Hey, I have this problem. Do you? You do? Oh, hey, there’s someone who can help us! Let’s go fix this.”
I’m going to stick my arm up in the air and risk crossing the “TMI” line.
I don’t have a budget. I kind of know what I should be doing, but there are so many fears in my way preventing me from figuring out how to do those things.
What if X? What if Y? What if Z, A, E, L, X, K, M, F, and P???
I’m scared, but there is so much stress bound up in this that I can’t avoid it any more. I can’t pretend I can fix it myself any more. I want my life back. I need to be able to focus on fixing other things.
I’m scrd. And terrfd.
I learned about Habit Trackers long before I started trying to use them in my Bullet Journal. The screenshot above is for Chains.cc. They have a web and smartphone app for tracking whatever. I tried to keep this kind of thing analog in my #bujo, but I kept coming back to this, so I finally gave in.
TTFN, ta-ta for now!
I woke up this morning and after getting fully disgusted with my Facebook feed, decided now is the time to start another item on my 40 while 40 list. Currently off limits for the next 40 days (until March 31) are:
I also have notifications turned off for WordPress, but that’s mostly to keep me from checking the app on my phone. I would like to post more here, and this is more of a one-way conversation most days.
I don’t use Ello much, and I don’t really use Minds at all. Those I wanted to like, but it hasn’t quite worked yet.
Pinterest I usually don’t have a problem staying off of.
My big struggle is going to be Facebook. I get news there, I stay in touch with friends there, I connect with my family there.
I also get assaulted with people telling me how to live, think, and behave, and how what I do and think is stupid, juvenile, moronic, weak.
So I would love to trash my account completely, but I’m going to let myself get talked out of that one more time and take a break instead. It’s not a complete detachment from the Internet, just all the places that so obviously cause me pain.
I hope to get back to a daily writing habit here. I miss it, even though I wasn’t talking about much of any importance.
My first February post!
I have been spending the time between now and my last post figuring out what doesn’t work for me, both in my writing and in life.
I’ve been slowly reading The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle, and enjoying it. I’m nearly finished.
I’ve been trying to get a meditation habit started. It works just fine on weekdays. I’ll take a shower and meditate after getting dressed but before going back downstairs. On the weekends it’s easy to skip, but I didn’t this morning. I didn’t do the full time, but I’m going to try again later.
I’ve not been able to wake at my preferred waking time in the mornings. Technically it’s not that I’ve not been able to, but that I simply haven’t. I was waking up at 5 a.m. for a while last year and I felt so incredibly productive. I believe I should probably reread the book that got me in the habit in the first place. That might help.
I’ve not been writing regularly, and I really don’t know why. I think I have ideas, and I think they’re good ones. I suspect it could be that I’m not doing my writing first thing in the morning, because by the time I get home, I am just so mentally exhausted.
Not an excuse, I know.
Valentines Day has come and gone, the Eagles won Super Bowl LII, and my father-in-law passed away just recently. Because of the distance and work obligations, I won’t be able to make it back for the funeral, and that is quite a disappointment.
That’s the full updates to share, I believe. I hope everyone is having a lovely February!